so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
