so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
