in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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