On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
