i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
