and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
