just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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