You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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