Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
