My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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