My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Rumble strips road head = magical
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
