i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
