if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
