My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
