i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
