Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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