his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
