a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
so much tequila, so little girl.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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