I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Houston, we have a blender
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
