u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
