i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
