Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
