Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
