Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
