you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
