my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
