Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
