2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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