i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
