He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize