sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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