You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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