That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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