There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
