I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
