The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
