The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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