i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
