It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
