I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
