she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
