I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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