i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
