I cannot find my penis.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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