So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
