did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
