member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
