I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
