I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
