Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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