T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize