i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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