you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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